I am going to try this time.

I’m a bigger person, a stronger person.

I’d forgotten about this blog. And what I was trying to do when I started it.

I was trying to force myself to believe that God was going to move me. I was trying to force myself to move myself into a place where I could be better. 

I was trying to be happy. And that failed, I couldn’t use a blog just to make me read the Bible and focus. There are too many cute animals and pictures of pizza on Tumblr. But besides that, I’m alright.

In a way, I am happy now. I’m really excited for my life, and my future. 

Though right now, I feel very far from God’s voice. I still talk to him, and try to be the best person I can be. But there’s this distance between me and him that I can’t repair by myself. I’m not scared, because I know fear is irrelevant and it can’t change anything.

I’m just going to try a little bit more to listen. 

I’m falling like a star.

KB-D: You’re being so selfish, your husband needs you. He’s freaking deployed and you won’t answer his calls or emails? Really. I thought you knew what love meant.

SB: Think of your daughter. Think of her everyday. No one should matter but her.

CJ(not the boyfriend): You’re being so hard on yourself. You used to know God. Now you know black shirts and hair dye. You’re stopped caring about anyone but you and your various girls. You’re being horrible.

MN: Wake up and smell the roses, people aren’t hiring yourself because you tell them everything about yourself in five minutes, breathe for a bit.

I’m away from them for barely a week and already I’ve had:

A nervous breakdown

A fight

A day where I had no idea what was going on

An angry day

And the only time I’m not angry is when I’m with my boyfriend

I shouldn’t be like that. I don’t want to be angry and mad and scared to talk to my church family. I’m scared I’m loosing myself because I’m scared to lose CJ. :(

I was going to talk to CJ today. About all the things going on. But I never got around to it. 

A friend needed to stay here and then I had to clean and so I just never did.

I feel extremely dead and empty inside.

Lost and misunderstood.

):

I didn’t go through all those amazing night with the best family I could have asked for to come home to crap.

And I didn’t.

I suppose my leaving slightly inspired my family to be joyous about my return. They clean 2/3 of the dishes (their equal share) when we ate and they played a game with me.

It’s nice to come back home to another family who loves me.

I feel renewed. I feel restored. 

i have a lot of things to fix when I get home. 

I have people to talk to. I have feelings to share.

And if CJ really wants to have me, forever, he’s going to have to come to God, that’s terrible of me to request it, but I have to know if he’s what God wants. I know that’s the improper way to find out but if he tries, at least that’s something. I’m clinging to the guilt. I need to focus on God. His voice is what matters.

Sex. Dating. Part 4

I’m really not interested in telling all the details of this lesson. It was mostly about girls’ feelings about guys and how we think. Sorry, I’m just too tired to care about the little details.

Anyways, the nighttime lesson was on making a difference, and where and when we can do it. We can do it now. NOW. This minute. It was cool, but at the same time I have no idea what to do with my talents and my abilities. I’m tired, so tired of waiting and wondering and hoping that something will come out of nothing. That something will come out of me.

On other things. Went to the beach. Swam in a really calm ocean for once, I actually enjoyed it. No huge waves, a nice sandbar to stand on. Good times. Then a few of us went to the pool, swam for a little bit then went up to the condo to wait until it was time to go to the store for some more snacks. NOMNOMNOM.

Mostly sushi… lol.

Then we got pummeled by strangers on Halo. Lol.

So, our group cooked meals today. It was so fantastic. We had boring hot dogs for lunch, but fabulous salads and pasta for dinner, Mrs. Tonya helped me make balsamic dressing and gave me some of her homemade pesto for my pasta. She is a God-send. 

Me, Emily, Nhzinga and Mrs. Barb went to the local Hobby Lobby and Michaels. Then there was a huge thunderstorm and craziness. I bought a CD and some yarn cause Nhzinga and Emily are going to braid it into my hair tomorrow. <3

Then me and some of the other ladies played MahJong YAY I WON BOTH TIMES!

We watched To Save A Life. 

Man, that movie kicks some booty.

Sex. Dating. Part 3.

This morning was part three. 

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(Source: youmakemewannabebrave)

Originally we were supposed to be Thursday. But we have lunch today. :D

Sex. Dating. Part 2

Started out with a girl named Alexa and her boyfriend was very controlling. She didn’t listen to her friends telling her that he was bad news. He told her to be different around his friends and to not embarrass him.

The second part was a boy who had dated the same girl for a long time and they took their relationship to a very physical level and when they broke up, he realized that he had idolized her.

Then Kelley asked our pastor a question. She said “Is there a point to dating if you don’t see yourself marrying that person?” There was a large debate about wether or not that was good, right, normal…and then several other conversations sprouted after that.

I love my youth to death. I’ve missed them. I’m currently facetime-ing with Alex. A youth member who couldn’t attend this year. I miss my little bro.

<3